Trying to change the other person will frustrate both you and them. Learning to control your reactions to the other person and to support your own emotions will have a bigger impact toward fixing your relationship.
Choose people who won’t judge you, your actions, or the other person. Don’t try to turn people against the other person, as this won’t improve your situation. Instead, just try to get relief for your feelings. [2] X Research source When you feel ready, ask those you trust to point out their observations on the situation so you can gain an outside perspective on the relationship and how you can change your own behavior for the better. For example, they may point out that you trust their harmful statements about you more than your own thoughts about yourself.
Working on yourself will help you be a better, more stable partner. Even if the other person doesn’t change, your relationship will still improve. For example, you might enroll in a class, join a recreational sports team, or try out a new hobby that interests you.
You can use a paper journal or keep a digital journal. For example, you might install the Google Docs app on your phone so that you can write from any device. If you’re artistic, you could try art journaling rather than just writing your thoughts.
Meditate to calm your mind. Take a bubble bath. Use essential oils or aromatherapy. Go for a walk. Do breathing exercises. Color in an adult coloring book. Spend time with your pet. Go out with friends.
You can find a therapist by searching online.
Tell them the changes you hope to see, as they can’t read your mind. You might say, “I want us to spend more quality time alone together so I feel like our relationship is fully committed. " Be honest and assertive when telling them what you want. Don’t shut down or stop advocating for your needs because you’re afraid of how they will react or are worried they’ll feel bad. Your feelings matter, too. Consider opening multiple lines of communication. For example, texting, calling, and emailing are all options for helping you talk more often. Unless your personal safety is at risk, don’t walk away from them. This shuts down the lines of communication.
Keeping score of chores, sacrifices, unmet needs, etc. Being passive-aggressive by dropping hints instead of openly communicating your needs. Telling your partner that everything is okay, even though it’s not.
You could say, “I feel like you don’t want me to go out with my friends, but I need time with the girls. ” Be honest with your partner.
Make eye contact while they talk to you. Nod or make acknowledging comments so they know that you’re listening. In a toxic relationship, you may feel that the other person’s perspective is flawed, perhaps due to a narcissistic personality or extreme neediness. However, denying their feelings won’t help. The only way to fix things is to understand where they’re coming from. Ask them to tell you what they need in your relationship. Just as you have unmet needs, they may, as well.
Avoiding eye contact can mean that they’re not listening to you. Be sure to maintain eye contact to show you’re interested. Folding your arms across your chest means you’re defensive or closed off. Notice if they do this and try to put them at ease, and avoid doing it yourself. Getting loud and aggressive can mean that you’re feeling angry or unheard. If your partner does this, tell them that you’re listening and encourage them to calm down. If you start getting loud, take a few deep breaths to calm down. If they turn away from you, it could mean they’re closed off to you. Ask them to open the lines of communication. Similarly, don’t turn away from your partner while you’re talking.
You can express your emotions afterwards by talking to a friend, journaling, or discussing them with your therapist. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with emotion, take a deep breath and count to 10 before you respond.
It’s possible for your relationship to improve, but that won’t happen if you refuse to let go of the past. Constantly bringing up past mistakes tells the other person that nothing they do will matter. If you need help overcoming past issues, it’s best to work with a therapist.
For example, you may become upset when the other person dismisses your feelings. This might cause you to lash out to feel heard, which in turn causes a fight that leaves you both upset. Knowing this behavior pattern can help you make better choices moving forward.
Why does my mom make me so mad? Why do I get so upset about my partner going out without me? Why keeps me in this relationship? What does my partner do that upsets me so much? What about this do I find so upsetting?
You could ask, “I noticed that you just became angry. Can you tell me why you feel that way?” If your partner is behaving in an abusive manner, step away from the situation. Nothing that you do justifies another person’s abusive behavior.
When you feel yourself becoming upset, take a few cleansing breaths. You may also want to visualize yourself calming down, which can help you manage your stress. Afterwards, engage in a relaxing activity that helps you release the negative emotions, such as talking to a friend, taking a bath, or journaling. Remind yourself that you can’t change the other person, but you can change your reaction to them. You refusing to emotionally react is for your benefit, not theirs.
For example, thank your partner for respecting your decision to go out with friends, even if they weren’t happy about it. Similarly, give your mom credit for making it through a phone call without criticizing you. Say, “I can tell that you’re really working hard to show me how much you care about me. I want you to know that I see that and really appreciate you. ”
For example, let them know that you enjoy their sense of humor, enjoy eating the dishes they cook, and appreciate that they always clean up after breakfast. As another example, you could tell your mom that you’re grateful for her giving you life, you appreciate that she calls you often, and you appreciate the nice things she says about you to her friends.
For example, you might set a boundary that you won’t tolerate name calling from your mom. Say, “Mom, I’m not going to stay on the phone with you if you call me rude names. The next time that happens, I’m hanging up. ” Similarly, you might set a boundary with your partner that you won’t answer the phone while you’re out with friends. You could say, “During girls night, I’m going to put my phone on silent. If you try to call, I won’t answer. "
Criticizing your partner Having contempt for your partner Being defensive Withdrawing from them to avoid conflict
For example, you can commit to calling your mom once a week and spending 2 hours together every weekend. As another example, you could schedule a date night with your partner and commit to talking about your feelings every night. In some cases, toxic relationships may be consuming all of your time, so keep in mind that your relationship doesn’t have to be your only priority. Your career, family, friends, and goals can also be priorities.
If you’re rebuilding a romantic relationship, try dating again. Also, set aside time for each of you to spend with other important people in your lives. If you’re reconnecting with a relative or friend, invite them on weekly outings or out for coffee. You might also schedule a weekly phone call or text session.
For example, you might invite them to an art show that you’re in or take them to see a sign that you’ve just installed. In return, you might go watch their softball game, even if you don’t like the sport.
Don’t engage in name calling. Avoid raising your voice to them. Don’t criticize them or belittle their feelings or interests.
If your toxic relationship is romantic, you can try couple’s therapy. For a familial relationship, you can go to family therapy. You can find a therapist online.
Depending on the type of relationship, it’s sometimes impossible to end it. For example, it’s hard to leave behind a toxic relative. However, you can take a break from them and then enforce your boundaries when you’re ready to talk again.
